| Always back to the beginning; never winning.
This feeling is constant; never betraying instinct.
The tears are routine; just for the night.
Back to the same old self; only more broken.
Back to forgetting everything; being less alive.
Thoughts never leave; a haunting reminder.
These happy endeavors are only a ruse.
Never going back to okay..
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| Or am I the one not taking chances..?
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| How can you make people see, or at least help them see, when they're missing out on something? Do people honestly ever take one moment to stop from their so called busy lives and observe what is around them without ever saying a word? For once in your life, can you honestly say you were living your life for someone other than yourself? Have you ever kept a promise or made a plan because it was for someone else's gain and not yours? If you had one chance to turn your whole life around, would you take it? And how would you do so in which the world gains from it and not you? Can you honestly say you're a good person for all the right reasons?
Find some kind of beauty in your life and live for it. Find an escape, have passion in everything you do and think from your heart.
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| when you want something and after having waited for it for so long, you don't want it. Something that was supposed to make you happy, or at least the idea of it, doesn't at all. Not even a bit of excitement. Is it because of the time that you spent waiting made you lose all hope for it ever happening? So by the time it actually comes along, you've already talked yourself out of it and just moved on with your life.
Finally getting what you want feels more like a burden than it does a gift.
What would you do in a case like this?
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| I've decided that after this semester, I'm moving back to Hillsboro with my Mom. Moving back to Port Arthur was great but in some ways it was also a mistake. I moved here by impulse and didn't exactly think it through completely. It was just an exciting idea at the moment. The Father is great but he isn't the best parental unit out there. And honestly, I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
I believe that Fate usually plays a reoccurring role in our lives. So everything that has happened was meant to happen. And I'm not complaining one bit, nor do I regret anything that has happened. Maybe it could have played out a little different yes, but changing it would change every bit of who we are now.
So many things have happened in the past few years since I've returned, and well, let's just say it's been one effing roller coaster. People have come and gone, but it doesn't mean I love or hate any one of them more or less. It just means that we've decided to move on; go down different paths that doesn't really involve one or the other anymore. People constantly come and go but each person I've met has some quality in which I will always hold them dear to me.
I recently got quite sick and in turn got a rude awakening. I guess I don't really want to put too much detail into this writing, but lets just say that people aren't who they seem to be. Even in the matter of a life, they still hold past grudges before wanting to help. But that's okay, I eventually got help from the ones who mattered. And all I can do is just forgive them. Things happen in life that you don't expect but you have to pray that God will take care of you. And he did. I made it home safely and I'm feeling much better with my Mom by my side, the only person I would ever want by my side.
Now all I can anticipate to do is to just try to finish this semester off well, say the goodbyes that I need to say and hopefully move back on with my life. Getting it situated again; more focused and stable as I need it to be. I thought my life was a mess, but I just made it even messier. Now, I just need to clean it all up. Start anew and refreshed. By that, I guess starting small again is a good thing.
I feel like I'm running away again, but really I'm not. I'm walking towards something better for myself.
:]
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