leeniex's Xanga

Friday, November 06, 2009

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:01:40 GMT

Or am I the one not taking chances..?

Results from an Abundance of Sun

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:06:59 GMT

How can you make people see, or at least help them see, when they're missing out on something? Do people honestly ever take one moment to stop from their so called busy lives and observe what is around them without ever saying a word? For once in your life, can you honestly say you were living your life for someone other than yourself? Have you ever kept a promise or made a plan because it was for someone else's gain and not yours? If you had one chance to turn your whole life around, would you take it? And how would you do so in which the world gains from it and not you? Can you honestly say you're a good person for all the right reasons?

Find some kind of beauty in your life and live for it. Find an escape, have passion in everything you do and think from your heart.

Why is it that...

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:14:26 GMT

when you want something and after having waited for it for so long, you don't want it. Something that was supposed to make you happy, or at least the idea of it, doesn't at all. Not even a bit of excitement. Is it because of the time that you spent waiting made you lose all hope for it ever happening? So by the time it actually comes along, you've already talked yourself out of it and just moved on with your life.

Finally getting what you want feels more like a burden than it does a gift.

What would you do in a case like this?

Good news (or bad)...Take it how you will.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 20:05:05 GMT

I've decided that after this semester, I'm moving back to Hillsboro with my Mom. Moving back to Port Arthur was great but in some ways it was also a mistake. I moved here by impulse and didn't exactly think it through completely. It was just an exciting idea at the moment. The Father is great but he isn't the best parental unit out there. And honestly, I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

I believe that Fate usually plays a reoccurring role in our lives. So everything that has happened was meant to happen. And I'm not complaining one bit, nor do I regret anything that has happened. Maybe it could have played out a little different yes, but changing it would change every bit of who we are now.

So many things have happened in the past few years since I've returned, and well, let's just say it's been one effing roller coaster. People have come and gone, but it doesn't mean I love or hate any one of them more or less. It just means that we've decided to move on; go down different paths that doesn't really involve one or the other anymore. People constantly come and go but each person I've met has some quality in which I will always hold them dear to me.

I recently got quite sick and in turn got a rude awakening. I guess I don't really want to put too much detail into this writing, but lets just say that people aren't who they seem to be. Even in the matter of a life, they still hold past grudges before wanting to help. But that's okay, I eventually got help from the ones who mattered. And all I can do is just forgive them. Things happen in life that you don't expect but you have to pray that God will take care of you. And he did. I made it home safely and I'm feeling much better with my Mom by my side, the only person I would ever want by my side.

Now all I can anticipate to do is to just try to finish this semester off well, say the goodbyes that I need to say and hopefully move back on with my life. Getting it situated again; more focused and stable as I need it to be. I thought my life was a mess, but I just made it even messier. Now, I just need to clean it all up. Start anew and refreshed. By that, I guess starting small again is a good thing.

I feel like I'm running away again, but really I'm not. I'm walking towards something better for myself.

:]

Last mistake I would ever want to do.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:04:21 GMT

Something is breaking down inside. It hurts completely while being welcomed with open arms.

I feel like I'm being used. Simple as that.

I also feel abandoned by the people I care about.

I want to go somewhere new. A place where no one knows my name, where people see my face for the first time and it's refreshing to know that they can't think anything that will break me down.

When will I ever be at the right place, at the right time? When will the recognition that I yearn for ever come along?

I'm screaming so loud but you will never hear me. My heart screams so loud that it deafens my thoughts. But not yours, and you will never know.

I say "what" because I want to know what's on your mind. You say "what" because you think you've done something wrong. I watch you when you have your eyes closed because I want to keep the memory for as long as I can. Even if only for a moment before you open your eyes to find me watching you, thinking that I'm being quite weird.

I'm usually quiet around you because I just enjoy being in your company. I don't have to say a word to you and still be absolutely content. But you find it awkward that I don't say anything at all.

I like to do things for you because I care. That's just who I am and how I work.

Oh, and you have my heart. Don't lose it.

I really don't mind being alone..

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 02:43:58 GMT

But tonight pointed out how vulnerable I am to be alone. It's scary when you can't even go out in public without people stopping you to talk about harmless topics, admit they could be a pervert but won't be just because of how beautiful you are. What the fuck? What's worse is that they follow you or stop you every time they see you to talk even more and make a display of you to other strangers. I admit I'm nice when it comes to strangers, but when you see me walking away, take a fucking hint.

It gets better knowing that despite how scared you are, you come home to no one and have no feeling or sense of security to comfort you.

Someone; anyone: I'm scared.

Confidence...and a Toothbrush.

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 02:46:54 GMT

"It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to."

This says it all.

Settle down; It's just a matter of time.

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 21:49:42 GMT

I'm disappointed in who I've become. I honestly don't know who I am anymore or how I became this way. Sure I've had past problems, but this one hits the spot. Doing all these things I never do, it's not like me. It's NOT me. Sometimes I can't keep blaming others for how I feel or for the way they treat me. Somehow I feel like I deserve it. I don't know how or why I would think that but I do. In my mind, I don't know if I've really done anything extreme to be on Karma's bad side but I feel like I am. And really, I'm okay with that.

I let myself go somewhere along the way and it's been hard trying to get it back. The worst part is knowing I have been through all this time and just letting it slip even further away. My mentality, I guess you would call it, is in a big state of chaos. I need to be who I was again. The girl who was focused, strong-willed, motivated...and happy. I know people sometimes think different of you when you admit that in reality, you're weak. When you admit that you're not happy. But so what? Everyone is at one point or another. Things happen to where you either pick up the pieces and start over or just lie in the mess you've created. For me, I've always just moved on. But when it constantly happens, then what? I originally built a wall to guard myself from others, but since my faith and trust hit an all time low, I eventually broke down the wall myself. For some reason, I wanted to push my strength and see how far I could go with being disappointed by people. Guess what? They broke the record. Go figure, right? That may sound a little masochistic on my part but it was an experience and a lesson to deal with. So now what's left is a slightly broken person with a wall higher than her imagination and anyone who knows me knows that imagination is pretty out there, ha!

Ready for the kicker? Lesson learned; experience experienced. I'm usually an optimistic person and I know that life is always good. It just needs to be lived right. Sure, sometimes I'll need an epiphany to kick me in the head but things could be far worse. I just wish it were easier for us to all understand our lives better. No luck there though, huh? I guess being yourself is the best that you can do. So here I am, World. Where are you?

Vulnerablity

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:45:33 GMT

is kicking my ass. Should I even call it that? I don't know. It's something where my mental and emotional walls are all fucked up and I'm just losing my guard. Maybe I'm more messed up than I thought, ha! Normally I have a hold on this and I'm actually very good at it, but with how things have been for I guess the past year, it's been hard trying to keep standing.

Can I not keep getting ran over? FML right about now. Ha.

HA!

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 21:20:03 GMT

Finally hit the major threshold.

21.

This should be good. :]